Sunday, October 19, 2008


A lot of things happened I should say. It has been a very, very long month that has mutated into years. I have waited for six months for the bar to come and another six months for the results. I have been incognito for a long time because the whole process almost sucked the marrow left in my life. I still didn't give up the flat I rented back in the university and I couldn't imagine the feeling when I return there next week to pack my books and my other belongings. The picture of the narrow pathway shadowed by plush acacia trees, the lonely walks there for months rain or shine, the silent houses I pass through, the patio of the nearby hotel where someone plays beautiful pieces on the piano every Friday nights. All of it that has become part of me, I never said goodbye to when I discreetly left.

The exam was truly a heartbreaker, not to mention a shatterer of health, sanity, and well-being in itself. I had ulcer because of stress and the pain caused by it still lingers up to now. I hope it would still be cured through medication. I am quite fearful of the visit to the doctor tomorrow.

Sometimes I am left with the thought. . what would I do next? I know it's a general feeling of most of those who took the bar but what delineates me from them would surely be the quality of support system I have. Loosely I would say, I have myself and the world. All the brunt I take as they come.

And then there was this transient love. A love grown out of peek-throughs. Peek-throughs through the heart. How fond it is to rekindle the experience and live through it day by day. It's one of the reasons I try to exist and live now.Would you believe?


Lydia said...

This is an evocative and rather mysterious post, Dex. Better days are ahead -- and I pray that means tomorrow when you are seen by your doctor.

deus ex machina said...

Thanks mom, I'll email you soon. . .love you.